Ok, after 3 years of the metalscene online I've learned quite a bit about the attitudes of some people. Online can be a nightmare when it comes to the childish attitudes of catty females and the wannabe trolls. There are just some people who need to realize not to take the internet so seriously. Please do not take my article too seriously, if you can't realize I am merely joking around, get your head checked.

Females, they are either extremely cool, really into supporting the scene and very down to earth, those ones I take my hat off to, but, there are another kind, the catty ones. If you want cattiness, go to the MSN Chat Metal Militia and meet Ayin, she's supposed to be about 20, she acts about 12, kicks females based upon their pics or if they know more about metal then her, a true poser who seriously needs to get a life. Everywhere you go, whatever scene it is, you get the catty females who must eliminate any other females around them so they could have all the attention to themselves, when someone comes into their little ball of self centeredness they act upon ways which a 13 year old would do when someone wins the prize they wanted in Spelling Bee. They usually get into cliques with some other metalheads that they feel they can allow their cattiness to burst out, this takes over their life, and they turn into a childish bitch, aka trolls. but don't get me wrong, there are some very cool females in the metal scene, just too many of these little girls running around.

Trolls, now, this is one of my favorite topics to write about. I've had to experience their stupidity many times a week it seems. How to be a Troll? Here are my rules:

1. be grim and care only for true underground bands, if not true and underground dis them and anyone who likes them.

2. hate all females at first unless they show you true grimness.

3. hate everyone and everything except your hand since that's the only thing that will give you any pleasure.

4. if a demo has crappy sound, it's good, collect lots of them, or say you have lots and make up a bunch of weird not English words that no one understands and add them to your music list, you'll really impress some people there.

5. hate my site, why, because I am a female writing reviews and interviews.

6. gays, lesbians, mentally retarded people, old people, females, are bad, ignore them or constantly make fun of them for no reason really.

7. be teufel's bitch.

8. hate something just because that other troll clique you want in hates it.

9. message boards are a good way to show off your trollness

10. be a skinny little bitch

11. live with your parents and don't work, spend all your time on the internet showing off how grim you are.

12. only listen to black metal and/or death metal, but it must be rare or old school.

13. post on Metal Maniacs, Blizzard Beast or Lapland message boards

14. get tendonitis in your wrists for masturbating too hard all the time.

Well, there you have it, the perfect example of how to be a troll. have fun practicing these things. I know I'll get in trouble from a bunch of trolls for this article, but why do you think I posted it on the internet? To have fun with you kids, you know it's all true.

Cliques, these are funny. In order to be part of a clique, don't like anyone that isn't in your clique. The catty females and the trolls tend to lead off to these cliques, I guess they need help from other people in order to be a true grim? They form a bond, usually only online, I've never really experienced a clique in person, wonder why, they'd get beat. Anyways, their bond consists of them passes off comments about how true this band is, how untrue that band or person is, bragging about their obscure album collection and whining how they aint getting any real sex or have no money cuz they live at home with mommy and daddy with no job. And be grim.

So, to cut this down into 3 rules, they'd be.

1. be grim

2. don't be female unless VERY catty

3. be grim

Copyright 2001, BallBuster, The Official Int'l Underground Hard Music Report